girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
