i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
