I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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