he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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