I'm so fucking centered right now
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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