I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
