time to smoke my breakfast
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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