Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
