So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I wear drunk well.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
