I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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