i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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