At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
