I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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