Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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