Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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