I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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