My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Life is so much better after having sex.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
