East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
