some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
