Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
