I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
