I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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