My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
