Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
