I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
