I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize