I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
