I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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