I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize