I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
