"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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