WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
