dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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