i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
