next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
