I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize