Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
