my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
