TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
