she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize