Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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