I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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