I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
