Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
