Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Randomize
