no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
