so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
