Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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