I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
