Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
