I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
