we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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