you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
