Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
