She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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