i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
