You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize