I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
