I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
