thus making me awesome and them whores
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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