i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
