Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
