...so i touched it.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
