your thong is hanging out like whoa
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize